peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
this just has baby written all over it
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
