you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Randomize
