It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Randomize
