You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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