I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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