I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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