in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
