tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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