Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize