I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
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