he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
