I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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