why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Randomize
