I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
