Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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