Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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