Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
