bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
