i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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