Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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