And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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