Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
