Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
