Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Randomize
