Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
