Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
