I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
