I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
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