Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
