It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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