I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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