you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
