I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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