Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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