smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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