im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
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