it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
