We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
