And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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