his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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