If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
