1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
My cat gives me a boner
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
