Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
