I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
