Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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