I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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