So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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