So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
This baby is an asshole
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
