it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
So much rum. So many feels.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
