I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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