my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
