Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
