remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
