wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
You're like the curious george of whores
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
