Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
